What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 12:26
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It was going to be , some day.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
I waited trembling.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I said to her
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
All the time i was locked up.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Who then, do I blame.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot live in the past .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We all went to grammer schools
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is soul school!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.